Matrescence: How Motherhood Changes Everything

Matrescence is not a mattress brand that will magically lull your baby into ten-hour stretches of sleep—although that would certainly change your experience of early mothering. Matrescence refers to the transition to motherhood. It’s a seismic transformation that is biological, psychological, sociocultural, economic and spiritual in its scope. Coined by social anthropologist Dana Raphael, PhD, back in 1975, the word Matrescence sounds adjacent to adolescence because it is: it’s one of those changes that changes everything.

The problem is this: adolescence is not something we ever expect people to “bounce back from.” We know, intuitively, that teenagers will never become children again: we expect young adults to have changed forever through adolescence. And we see that as a good thing, full of potential and possibility and power.

But in our culture, the transition to motherhood is not recognised and revered in this way. Everything from social media to social policy denies the value of motherhood and denies mothers the support they need in this often disorienting time.

Before I became pregnant with my first child nearly thirteen years ago, I was an avid scuba diver and triathlete with big career ambitions in public health policy and I had been a doula for four years. My experience supporting birth meant that I didn’t have the same questions and fears most expectant mothers usually have. My questions and fears were all about what would happen afterward. Like, what would happen to me? To the things that made me who I am? What would happen to my identity?

I was lucky enough to be supported by a doula who told me what to expect during my transition to motherhood. Although we weren’t using the word Matrescence yet, she helped me realise that everything would indeed change when I became a mother and that was normal. In short, she helped me to birth myself after I birthed my baby.

Since then, I’ve devoted my career to researching Matrescence and supporting mothers through it. Here’s what I wish everyone knew about this transformative time:

Matrescence takes two to three years

Yup, two to three years. Not six weeks, the peculiarly patriarchal milestone where new mothers usually have their final (and sometimes first) postpartum check-up and receive the “green light” to resume having sex. Not three months either during the completion of the increasingly well-recognised “fourth trimester” of physical healing and emotional rollercoasters.

The process of becoming a mother impacts the entire ecosystem of a mother’s life, often changing her relationships, shifting her career, and transforming her body and her relationship with it. It also changes a mother’s sense of identity, purpose and even spirituality.

All of that takes time. But rather than being daunted by this two-to-three-year timeline, think of it as a permission slip: permission to have lots of compassion and generosity for yourself when you start to wonder why, though you may technically be a mother, you might not feel like one yet.

There’s no going back

It only takes a glance at the magazines in the grocery store check-out aisle to get the message: our culture glorifies the idea of “bouncing back” after you’ve had a baby and applauds mothers who can fit into their pre-baby jeans and their pre-baby life with ease. New mothers constantly hear that they shouldn’t “lose themselves” in motherhood.

But motherhood is transformative. It either demands or allows you to surrender many parts of yourself. After seventeen years of supporting new mothers, I can say with confidence that denying the transformative impact of Matrescence usually leads to nothing but suffering.

It’s 100 percent okay to feel sad about that 

Any major life transition—even if one that can be positive and desired like becoming a mother—requires us to let go of who we once were. Sadness and grief are a normal, natural part of any life change, including Matrescence.

However, there’s not a lot of room in our culture for mothers to feel complex feelings about our role, and as a result, many mothers are unable to recognize or share the grief that often comes hand-in-hand with a shift in the tectonic plates of who you are. It’s absolutely normal and healthy to miss your old self—your old jeans, hot coffee, and all the other things that made you who you are. It’s also important to be attuned to your feelings and ask for support if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

The person you’ll become on the other side of this transformation is amazing

Here’s the question I always ask: what if losing yourself in motherhood isn’t the problem, but the point? What if we gave ourselves an ounce of the compassion we give awkward teenagers going through adolescence? What if we celebrated the growth and maturity that almost always accompanies the transition into motherhood?

As with adolescence, reproductive psychologists categorise Matrescence as a “developmental process,” resplendent with developmental leaps and milestones not unlike the ones we note in our babies and children.

Research has found that motherhood often sparks a new sense of meaning in mothers' lives, increased self=esteem and competence, enhanced mindfulness, a depper appreciation for "the simple things", and increased intuition. Motherhood also offers us an opportunity to expand capacities such as our ability to hold paradox and our inclination toward interdependence and community-mindedness.

Studies have demonstrated that this growth and development happened, for most mothers, not despite the challenges of Matrescence, but because of them. In fact, in one study, mothers who reported struggling the most with a sense of self-loss were ultimately more satisfied and confident as they completed their Matrescence than those who weren’t.

This isn’t to say, of course, that we shouldn’t work to make Matrescence easier for mothers, and that we should cease advocating for things like adequate maternity leave and affordable child care just because mothers might “grow” as a result of the challenges they face. But it is to say that we must begin to recognize Matrescence as fundamentally life-changing, complex in its emotional landscape, and worthy of validation and support.

If you’re in the first two to three years of motherhood and you’ve been feeling lost and unsure of who you are right now, here’s the most important thing to remember: it’s normal to feel this way. You’re not broken, you’re becoming.

Extract from Today's Parent 15 October 2024

Jessie Harrold is a coach and doula who has been supporting women through radical life transformations and other rites of passage for over fifteen years. She works one-on-one with women and mothers, facilitates mentorship programs, women’s circles and rituals, and hosts retreats and nature-based experiences.  Jessie is the author of Mothershift and Project Body Love: my quest to love my body and the surprising truth I found instead. She is also the host of The Becoming Podcast. Jessie lives on the east coast of Canada where she mothers her two children, writes, and stewards the land.