Finding the Joy in Parenting

Winnicott found that meeting a child’s needs just 30% of the time is sufficient to create happy, well-attached children and that doing so boosts their resilience.

Parenting is hard and real life requires compromise. That means that it’s often not possible to meet all of our children’s needs. The point of Winnicott and Tronick’s work isn’t that we should not try, it is that we should look after ourselves and be kind to ourselves when we fail. The key is to stop worrying about getting it right all of the time. To try to let go of those feelings of guilt or overwhelm and look after yourself: enjoy your coffee and food when it’s hot, take a shower and an extra minute or two for yourself from time to time.

Research shows us that striving to be ‘perfect parents' can lead to strong feelings of worry, guilt, resentment, unhappiness, and shame. Separate research by Edward Tronick, famous for the ‘still face’ experiments, came to similar conclusions.

The consistent theme running through both strands of research is that imperfect parenting is better for children. The world is an imperfect place, filled with lots of disappointments and setbacks. In relationships, it is normal to have our needs met imperfectly. Not being a perfect parent helps our children develop resilience and autonomy to function in life. In addition, modelling imperfection may help our kids to accept their own imperfections.

By doing these things - by being ‘good enough parents’ - you will free yourself to feel happier, enjoy the experience that is parenting all while building resilient children.

"There is no such thing as a perfect parent, so just be a real one," says Sue Atkins, The Parenting Coach. 

See full article  Written by Pip Johnson, Clinical Psychology Registrar.